~ I Feel...... ~

I Feel.....
Nonchalant.
They say that 'Passion is the food of life' (By 'They' i really mean 'Me', coz its way cooler to talk about oneself in the third person). By living passionately can one truely live. It is the burning flame that fuels the soul, that provides energy to the engine of the body to propel oneself forward. The smoldering heat of that fire melts the cool countenance of strangers and makes them friends. The thirst for a worthwhile and meaningful life that gives meaning itself and makes that life worth living. To live each day to its full potential, to relish each event like it was going to be the last and make it feel like it was the first thing you have ever experienced. To cherish each and every friend and family for all their worth, and they are worth the world. When you laugh, you truely laugh, from the depths of your heart and soul. Because you felt like it. Not because the occasion warrants it, Not because it would be the politically correct thing to do, Not because some prick off the streets you had to humor because he had 'connections', money or just something needed at that point in time made a third rate (by third rate, i really mean rock bottom. Ranks somewhere around making a loud burp to the amusement of similar calibre morons) jokes that would make kindergarten kids cry. When u do something, u truely want to do it. Like make a small gift for a friend because he/she is your friend. Not because you could get something in return, Not because you could raise ur chances of getting laid, bang bang bang!, Not because it was expected of you. That aura, of earnest sincerity, of truthful innocence, of pure unadulterated passion, radiates off you like the appetizing heat that radiates off a freshly roasted suckling pig and rubs off on friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, passers-by, those whores standing along geylang lor 13.. i digress again.. just like the sweet aroma of afore-mentioned suckling pig makes you want to rip off huge chunks of its deliciously cooked body and bite into the supple meat still dripping with MSG saturated juices.
Ahh passion.. i had that once. Its a resource found abundant in fiesty bouncy youths fresh from the poulty farm who have not had the harsh realities of life taint and befoul the lavatory of innocence and found that the flush was spoilt. It is the metaphysical color of white, a blank sheet of paper everyone starts off with and hoped to paint the swirling beautiful colors of the rainbow on but found that the toilet wasnt exactly the right place to look for paint. My eyes sparkled with the delight of making lasting friendships bound by sincerity, forged with chains of trust and goodwill that not even a hot slut in a tasteless see-through dress could break up. My heart soared at the thought of fairytales, where true love was abundant, came in generous doses to all those who just asked and it generally ended with 'and they lived happily ever after', or various mongrel versions like 'and the ogres lived happily ever after with the irritating donkey'. The hair on my body stood on end in anticipation and excitement (no lewd thoughts pls, i'm in serious mode right now.. the porn comes later :P) at the challenges of work i will face and overcome with accomplished ease. Granted, the definition of 'work' has changed drastically over the years from 'Robot bashing good-bot 2nd Generation Optimus Prime' to 'Pokemon breeder with a definitely cooler dragon for a pet than Pikachu' to 'Bad Guy catching, Damsel in distress saving, with a 99% chance of getting laid, the 1% due to my conscious choice of not getting laid because there were 2 damsels in distress at the same time and i generally get to choose which to bed, cop inspired by one too many copper movies always with impossibly hot women in tattered clothes and various states of undress', to 'moderately well to do business man with an impossibly hot secretary, preferably in tattered clothes and various states of undress inspired by one too many office porn clips :X'. The job discription changed, but the eager anticipation of a bright hopeful future remained.
But i feel.... Nonchalant. Now.
No roaring fire that threatens to engulf anyone who ventures too close into my world of fun, pleasure, joy. No zest and no zen. All i have is my nonchalance. My indifference could have preserved meat for a year (i.e. cool indifference). Estee said to me that indifference is cool sometimes. Where u could switch off and not feel, thats good(Eh, been having selective memory these days so i couldnt remember the exact words, but thats the gist of it). But thats not something i can switch on or off at the flick of a switch. And sometimes it seems that neither do i seem to want to anymore. A person's past experiences make him/her what he/her now is, and memory lane sometimes feels like a bad road through a dark alley. And nonchalance is a safe retreat.

Life
I comprehend the stark difference between living, and existing. Yet, sometimes it is so hard to live, instead of exist. Ppl all around are all caught up in a fanatical, even maniac race to get the best grades, or make more money, depending on where their priorities lay. I myself have come to the realisation that grades do not determine your future. I do not make the world, i only try to survive in it, and so i'm guilty of subscribing to the mad money making group. But is that living? Where is that innocence i once had? Where are the firm principles i once thought should govern how ppl should behave and treat one another? What is conscience worth? Does doing anything via any means justify your actions as long as the end is that which you want? Sometimes i take a step back and look, and cant help but scorn. I scorn, yet i know that ideals cant bring the bread to the table. Another one of those ironies of life I have to live with.
True love
None. Pretty much exhausted this topic, so i'll just conclude that everyone is guided by their genitalia and every single emotion in the dictionary can be induced in one form or another by a glib mouth and smart thinking and well, a glib mouth :X I'm no relationship veteran, just a battered survivor. Had my ups, had my downs, some stuff i've been darn proud of, some better left unsaid. If you were looking at me right now, i would look... awkward, as if the bunched underwear of the past was tangling itself in the crotch of recollection :P. (YES YES, START FLAMING ME NOW U BIATCHES AND SLUTS AND PUSSIES!!! I'm SURE ALL OF U HAVE A LOT TO SAY JUST FROM THIS PARAGRAPH ALONE!) Why go through the trouble of inducing it in someone just to get laid? Most of the good ones are attached anyway, so its twice the effort and makes you twice as poor. :P
Friendship
One word. Dirt Cheap. Ok, make that two words. Doesnt have that same dark, sexy, brooding impact though :(. Where is the line you draw between friend and acquaintance? Where is that even finer line between friend and one-in-a-million buddy? Friendship is easily made, but hard to keep. Trust is hard to built, yet easily lost. Why make new ones anyway? Why go through the hassle of the introductory phase, the superficial exchanges, the indepth and often exhausting talks of the same stuff in general with ppl you know are just passerbys in your long and weary existence? One little memory after another burst open as silently as a mouse passing wind in a hurricane. Of friends come and gone. Of betrayals committed and forgiveness not given. Of friends i've made all through the years and struck off the list because of them failing various tests(whether they are receptive on ONS suggestions, kinky threesome fun yadda yadda :X), lacking core attributes i looked for(Sluttiness is always a very sought after attribute, 36C 24 36 body comes in a close second, yadda yadda :X), various henious acts unforgivable and unforgiven, or generally just by default, like me having my friendster account deleted due to inactivity (I'm stil pissed with that... no pics of friends' friends to mock at when i'm downright bored :().
Work
HA HA HA HA. Pls read entry one, and feel my pain.

And so i descend. Nonchalance is like the soot thats left after the burning log has run its course. Or the bones left after the guests are finished with the suckling pig, picked their teeth with their fingernails, wiped their fingernails on the tablecloth and left. Bloody guests. :P